Hitman Horticulturists

Ernst Stavro Blofeld, master criminal, sat at the centre of the massive operations room of the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion, or “SPECTRE” for short. Around him, the inside of the domed roof showed a map of the world, highlighted here and there to mark the scene of one of his criminal “business” operations. Leaning back in the fine leather reclining seat, he tenderly stroked Tiddles, his Turkish Angora cat, then leaned forward and pressed the intercom button.

“Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, I have a job for you”

“Yes Mr. Blofeld, we’ll be right through”

He leaned back and turned the swivel chair to look at the vast array of monitors before him, then singling out one of the screens, he zoomed in on the scene before him. Checking the location and the identity of the victim, he smiled sinisterly.

“Mr. Blofed, what can we do for you today?”

Blofeld turned to face the two grinning assassins who had just entered the vast room. He steepled his hands in front of his mouth, and looked from one to the other.

“I have a mission of the greatest importance, one which must be carried out in the utmost secrecy, and which is completely time critical. Do you understand?”

The two med nodded eagerly, as first order sociopaths, they enjoyed working for Blofeld. It usually ended with them indulging their desire to hurt people.

“Yes of course Mr. Blofeld, you know you can trust our confidentiality and professionalism completely!”

Indeed he could, for they’d only recently signed the Spectre Client Confidentiality and Data Protection Policy document he’d had drawn up by HR.


He summoned them to approach and pushed a large brown envelope across the desk towards the closer of the two. Mr. Kidd stopped playing with his titanium knuckle-duster, placed it back in his pocket, adjusted the thin leather gloves he always wore, and picked up the envelope, marked “MISSION DATA: TOP SECRET” in large red letters. He unravelled the thin string closure and emptied the contents onto the desktop. He spread them out; a mission briefing, a photograph, passports for the two men (under assumed names of course) and a couple of American Express Black cards. He picked up the large black and white photograph and stared closely at the “target”, noting the fine features, the beautifully coiffured hair and the expensive business suit. Grinning, he passed it to his colleague.

“This should be a walk in the park!”

Mr. Wint took the photograph, pressed it to his nose and peered myopically at the victim to be.

“Hey boss! Isn’t this…”

Blofeld stopped him mid flow.

“Yes it is indeed, and this is why I have two of my very best operatives on the case!“

“Yes boss, I guess so!”

Mr. Wint shuffled nervously from foot to foot,  “It’s just, well…”

“Well what? Are you up to the job or not?”

“Yes we are Mr. Blofeld!” affirmed Mr. Kidd, giving Mr. Wint a mean-eye and a sharp dig in the ribs,

“Aren’t we!”

“Ouch! Erm… Yes we are boss!”

“Good, now carry out my instructions to the letter and do not let me down!”

Mr. Kidd placed the documents back into the envelope, keeping aside the mission brief which read:

“It’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. As I am busy, you are to visit her and take her out to the park for the day. She will have a good time. You will make sure of this. You have unlimited credit on the cards, buy her flowers.”

Posted in Comedy, Cute, Family, Heart Warming, Short Story, The Unexpected | Leave a comment

“That’ll do nicely!”

Bottle green cork popped sits
On cloth pure white
Contents warm and breathe
Heady scent of black grape gifts
Angels share anew

Bottle tips and pours
Claret glugs into bulbous glass
Final drop catches and falls
Ripples settle
Leggy wash down glass side crawls

Lifted high to catch the light
Ruby sparkle in diner’s sight
swirling now and contents nosed
Faintest slurp, mouthy wash
“That’ll do nicely”

Posted in Heart Warming, Lessons in Life, Love, Poetry | Leave a comment

Geometry of Life

Matthew was a bit of a square but he was besotted with Crystal and all her facets. She was a true diamond. Bright and beautiful, she was always straight with him. They’d met at a Circus – she was a member of “E”, the famous Trapezium troupe. Flying aloft with the greatest of E’s, she looked so cube in her skimpy costume; he just had to tell her how much he’d enjoyed the show. It was love at first sight. Smitten, he told her she had an acute angle. One thing led to another and they ended up having a passionate rhombus behind the marquee… they declared their mutual undying love – and then she and the circus moved on. He was a complete rectangle… to have found his life’s love and then lost her was truly devastating. But then just four days later a parallelogram arrived: ‘Leaving circus. Want to be with you. Meet me at Arrow Junction’ Tessellated, he immediately set off to fetch her. In his haste however he took a wrong turn and ended up somewhere less than or not equal to good.


As the familiar straight and narrow planes faded, Matthew started to feel edgy. Suddenly he was forced to stop, delimited by a well-rounded street gang. “Give us the sine!”, they derived, “or give us a disk!” “But… I’m not an element of your set, and I don’t have a disk” Matthew replied spherefully, “I only have notes”. Convexed by his attitude, the gang formed a circumcircle around him. A figure shifted forward, he looked mean. He oscillated his knife then lunged. Matthew leapt to one side, but not fast enough and the knife struck his corner. Badly chipped, he gasped raggedly and fell to the ground.


As he watched the character smile and advance towards him, he knew he was a polygoner. Then, seemingly from nowhere, Crystal appeared and pivoted into action. Performing a major arc, she struck the figure a flattening blow and stood facing the set. They could see she was harder than any integer of their group, and so with a sullen wave the gang melted away.


“Crystal! You saved me! What luck that you are here!”

“It’s no coincident my love, I just couldn’t wait”, Crystal explained,

“and so I decided to intersect with you”.

“I’m so glad you did”, Matthew said, as Crystal tended to his wound,

“You saved me from a vicious circle”.

Posted in Comedy, Cute, Heart Warming, Lessons in Life, Short Story, The Unexpected, Travel | Leave a comment

Stained Grass Window

Woodland flowers

on grassy mat

tilt and turn

heads toward the sun,

floral blocks

in every shade and hue

colouring misty mat.


Sunbeams stream through hazy air,

bathe bracken

in soft gilded light,

dewdrop rainbows

sparkle and shine,

stained glass projection

on coppice cathedral floor…

Posted in Autumn, beauty, Landscape, Nature, Seasons | 1 Comment

The Scene Is Set

From the Gods,
Mother Nature looks down
scene laid out below.

Footlit horizon,
sunshine throws golden light
across the stage.

Solitary black cloud
draws curtain of rain
day’s play refreshed, renewed.

Wedge of geese cross the set,
honk their lines loud and clear,
then exit stage left.

Kestrel hovers, effortless
keen eyes wide
awaits her cue.

The scene is set, act two begins.

Posted in Autumn, Landscape, Lessons in Life, Nature, Poetry, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Skylark Haiku

Skylark skyward leaps
tumbles aloft the summer sky
sings of sex and joy.


Posted in beauty, Dance, Nature, Poetry, Sky | Leave a comment

Tree Tops

Islands in a sea of mist, the Clees stand tall,

patient sun waits

to unveil another day.

A traveller diving misty ocean,

plots a course through hedgerow reef.


Descending, gloom thickens.

Car lights pick out ghostly shapes

that scuttle and evade approach.

Sparrows shoal and swirl like fish,

argue their piece then return to roost.


Past haystacks; monolith

wrecks on a stubble seabed.

Ascending, light and colour return

hill and tree tops float serenely by.



Sun at last lifts its face

Beauty, warmth and golden light

once again flood these hillside shores…

Oblivious, the traveller steers his course

lost in thought.



Posted in Autumn, Landscape, Nature, Poetry, Travel | Leave a comment